“Job-Friendly Updates to my Online Profiles,” via McSweeny’s

This, which comes via the excellent McSweeny’s Internet Tendency, is by Sam Weiner.

Job-Friendly Updates to My Online Profiles.

Hi Friends!

I wanted to update everyone in my address book with my new contact information. From now on, I’ll be using this Gmail address instead of my old email, SexxPhreaker77@hotmail.com (“77” of course refers to my ninth favorite Talking Heads album-–I’m counting some live bootlegs in there, too).

As I reenter the job market, it’s important to have all of my online identities project a professional, ready-to-hire public face, which is why I’ve reverted my personalized Facebook URL to just a string of random characters instead of my prior URL, Facebook.com/MasterCOCK. Let’s face it: I’m getting older, and while MasterCOCK is still a treasured nickname and Gamertag, it’s not the first thing I want to come up when a potential employer Googles me. Which reminds me, my Google+ profile can now be found at /SLWEINER instead of /TaintBuster. It also has been deactivated due to non-use.

For those Second Lifers in my address book, you may be saddened to learn that my avatar, Molesto the Scrote’ With Wheels, has been reimagined as a slacks-wearing, ideal job candidate, but–FEAR NOT!-–my SL Marketplace shop will continue to sell the highest-quality virtual sex-bicycles in the Blacksilk district.

Also, my LiveJournal will remain public, but has been scrubbed of all posts tagged CAPITALISTS DROWN IN HELL and PENIS ROT.

You can still find me online, though. For instance, I have reopened my My_____ account. Changing their name to My and then those spaces got me really excited-–this is a great place to network. If you get a My_____ comment from SamLWeiner, don’t worry, it’s still the same old xxPussyNazi666xx as before, just with a snazzier, more employer-friendly profile name.

Some of you are receiving this email because you commented on my Tumblr, Fuck Yeah Ashley Greene Nip Slips. That site has been deactivated. It now hosts my résumé, so feel free to pass it along. My other Tumblr, What Does Cthulhu’s Penis Look Like?, remains active.

And a big apology to my Brazilian friends-–I have shuttered my orkut profile, Dr. Racist McN-Word.

I look forward to continued correspondence with all my friends, online and IRL, and if you know anyone who’s hiring, go ahead and forward them my attached vCard, just please be sure to mention that 69 Balls Avenue is not my current address.

Regards,
Sam

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