Best jokes in the Edinburgh festival

1. Nick Helm – “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”

4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought … once you’ve hired the car …”

5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”

7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”

8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”

9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”

10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin.”

The best of the worst

1. Tim Vine – “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”

2. Josh Howie – I’ve got nothing against the Chinese. Don’t get me Wong.

3. Mark Olver – “During my first murder I was like a dyslexic having my back teeth removed … losing my morals.”

Oh…and the best of 2010

1. Tim Vine “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

2. David Gibson “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”

3. Emo Philips “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”

4. Jack Whitehall “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”

5. Gary Delaney “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

6. John Bishop “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”

7. Bo Burnham “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”

8. Gary Delaney “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

9. Robert White “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.”

10. Gareth Richards “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…”

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