Ineffective pick-up lines for the modern internet persona

“My Klout score is an 83, which makes me a Thought Leader. There’s a lot of pressure to stay relevant and forward thinking, when you’re that influential. A few sub-par tweets and I could be downgraded to Specialist. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with being a Specialist… you’re not a Specialist, are you?”

– – –
“I know you’re a complete stranger, but I’d gladly waste one of my Spotify invitations on you. Give me your number and I’ll throw in a Google+ invite. I’d put you in my ‘Babe’ Circle.”

– – –
“That gorgeous woman over there keeps looking this way, like she recognizes me or something. I do maintain a mildly successful YouTube account with over sixty subscribers, so I’m used to this sort of unwelcome attention. Are you an actress?”

– – –
“You’ve been published by The Atlantic? That’s cool. My name is frequently used as a tag on Tumblr. We have all the makings of a modern power couple.”

– – –
“My U.S. Alexa ranking is 22K, which is fairly impressive for a blog about soft cheeses. It’s not always smooth sailing, though. It can be difficult coming up with compelling content. Brie sort of loses its luster after a few years, you know? How many times can one reinvent mascarpone? I feel optimistic, though – I’ve received great feedback from prospective advertisers and I really think things are about to take off. What I’m saying is, I’d love to take a look at your website and give you a few pointers. If you want.”

– – –
“According to this app, only four people in the past sixteen hours have found me so tedious that they’ve found it necessary to unfollow me on Twitter. Just saying.”

– – –
“As of now, my mother doesn’t have a Facebook account so, if we were to take this thing to the next level, you wouldn’t have to worry about rejecting her inappropriate Family Request.”

– – –
“I’d dance to Cher, if it got you that much closer to affording a new outfit. You deserve the best.”

– – –
“Do you come here often? I do. I’m the Foursquare mayor, actually, which means I come here more than anyone else. That reminds me, I need to check-in. Can I have your Twitter handle? You’re so attractive, I want to Shout it from multiple applications. Simultaneously.”

= = =

Stephanie Georgopulos wrote this for the excellent McSweeny’s.

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